Inevitably you’re going to end up with a cock in your face. I have been to three, so i think im a bit of a pro, and I can say I find them all a little…well, extraudenary.

I went to the first one when I was seventeen, with my friend and her mother. It was held in a grotty old working mens pub. I remember sitting there watching these middle aged women glugging back the wine getting more and more rowdy until, Bam out came a fireman. The screams were deffening women had turned to a pack of hounds within 0.5 seconds. He sauntered in to the middle of the dance floor covered in baby oil dancing to the cheesiest song imaginable looking like a smarmy streaker.

Why do they always use the crappiest, cheesiest sound track imaginable? You know that ‘I’m too sexy’, ‘Hot stuff’, ‘I need a hero’ or some other vomit enduing song will rear its ugly head at some point. It’s so predictable there will be a guy dressed in white dancing to the main song from ‘officer and a gentleman’; as well as the fireman dancing to ‘I need a hero’, please come up with some new material. It’s not just the music that sucks though, is it? Nope the dance moves are just as bad. The same rubbish steppy boy band choreography, which they can’t all do in time or in sink anyway.

Yet the women go mental. They scream and shout and try and grab ball bags and penises all over the place. All etiquette goes out the window and it seems all inhibitions too. I have seen women steal pieces of clothing, like hats which are usually used at the end of a routine to cover the strippers modesty. I have seen them physically run on to the stage doging bouncers to rip clothes off a man like a rabid beast. They think it’s ok to grab for a naked arse cheek or, and yes I witnessed this, lick it. I have seen one woman literally pushed off a stripper for trying to eat his cock…in front of everyone! Seriously its like a sexless apocalypse has hit.

Its not just the lack of civilisation as we know it disappearing that I don’t like. Its the nature in which these ‘hot’ men demean women. Just because you are hot and I have paid money to come and see you does not mean I want your willy in my face! The first strip show I went to the guy actually cock slapped a girl. She seemed to not mind, however, that same night I saw that particular stripper ‘The Lone Ranger’ leaving a steamy rocking car with several different women. Guess what lady you now have chlamydia on your face!

The second male strip show I went to wasn’t as bad, although women still acted like hungry wilderbeasts there was no cock slapping. But there was a stripper with, literally the biggest shlong I have ever seen. He waved it about and came close enough to my face that I got splash back from the baby oil…

I specified male, because I have also been to a female strip show for a hen night I went to for a lesbian couple. We entered this seedy basement where there was old men slobbering over these completely naked women. I felt very uncomfortable with a vagina writhing around in my face, I couldn’t believe they were completely naked and so close. I decided to play with my phone while she pranced about turning old perves on and stopped when i saw her pointing at me. I looked confused as a bouncer approached me and told me I wasn’t allowed to take pictures…Who is taking pictures? Not me? Why would I want some naked vain woman’s foofoo on my phone? I was actually foursquaring in and texting a friend… Please…

Anyway at some ppoint I needed a wee and had to find the ladies, which there was none, because this was a predominantly male establishment, obviously. So I was forced to use the toilet in the strippers changing room. When I arrived there was one snorting cocaine and yelling about how nasty men were, how shit her life was, and that she didn’t have to take this abuse.

I quickly made my exit as she started wailing after I asked how she was, took the wrong exit and ended up on stage…not my finest moment I thought as I backed up through the doors and made my way to the nearest exit.

So in conclusion I don’t like strip shows…but maybe its just me?