So I’m on holiday in France. The problem is I don’t speak French. It’s annoying and I feel so typically English and ignorant. I keep trying to talk to people in either Spanish or English, neither work.

I’m trying to learn while I’m here, reading from a phrase book which does no bloody difference because they can’t understand my god awful accent. This is the first time I have been in a country where I have no means to communicate with the locals and its killing me. How do people do it?

I have been on holidays before where everyone around me speaks no other language other than English. They just shout and point and seem to have no problems other than the odd rude look which seems to just go over their head. I have been at a bar and have someone yell “I WANT A BEER” to the bar man. They seem to think nothing of it, where as I was so embarrassed I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me whole. But that’s what I’m doing now.

It made me think, why do we have so many different languages? Why don’t we all just learn one? Why did every country have to make up different sounds in which to communicate?

It would make life so much easier without the language barriers. People keep trying to talk to me, just randomly, maybe I look French? The first time was a woman in a perfume shop, she didn’t work there, she was browsing and came up to me smiled and jabbered on. I smiled back and then pointed to myself and said “English” and she nodded and walked off. Then some teenage boy came up to me in the street and started talking to me so I said “pardon, no pole vou Frances” he looked confused and stood there. Then I thought saying I don’t speak French in French is a little confusing. So by the third stranger I came up with a cunning new tactic. I made hand gestures and pretended I was deaf, that seemed to work. I just hope that I don’t bump in to someone who knows French Sign Language!