Going to the doctors is a complete farce now days, in fact, in my opinion, it’s completely pointless. That’s why, if I go to one, believe me, I am sick. I’m talking mind numbingly, wheezy breathing, fainting, high fevered in agonising pain sick. Even then I don’t know why I bothered.

Is it any wonder people don’t bother going to see a doctor when many of us don’t have the time. I usually leave for work at 7.30am and get home at 8ish pm. Since the surgery opens at 8 and closes at 5 I don’t get time to go unless I take the day off. So I awoke Tuesday morning in absolute agony down my ear and throat and thought, ‘damn it I have got an ear infection’. So I rang work and said I would be in late. I then had to wait till 8am to ring up on the extremely lucky chance they will have an emergency appointment. Luckily, on this occasion they did.

Usually you try and get an appointment and they are fully booked. So you try and book one for the day after but their fully booked. You ask ‘When is your next appointment then?’ and they um and arr and finally respond “Next week.” So now you have to book being sick a week in advance, you have to pre-empt your illness. “Right” let’s face it, you expected nothing less than disappointment when you started to make this phone call it comes as no surprise to you. “Well can I book for next week then?” haha, no, no you can’t! Because their ‘appointment books’ don’t go that far, but guarantied when you ring up on Monday their fully booked. How, how did you get booked? Where are all these sick people? Who is booking so many appointments?

Anyway, they give me an appointment in an hour’s time. I’m ready for work anyway, so just make my way there and arrive twenty minutes early in the vein hope that being there early may speed up the process. It didn’t.

I sat there, in the waiting room, surrounded by sick people, for an hour. An entire hour, sat there on mismatched stained seats flicking through old ripped up magazines from the nineties. But at least I’m not alone, right? No I’m surrounded by smelly, weird people. So these are the ones booking all the appointments. They all look contagious coughing, spluttering and sneezing, without even the common decency to cover their mouths spraying their dirty diseases everywhere. You see one or two of them stumble to the desk to complain but none of them have the capacity to speak.

Also, why is there no hand sanitizer? The NHS bangs on about not spreading diseases and yet there is no hand sanitizer in most of the doctors surgeries. Is this not one of the places sick people who have contagious diseases go? Did I get that wrong? Maybe I did, it does look like the inside of a community help centre!

I digress, I do apologise. I finally get called in to the Doctor who says she hasn’t seen me in a long time and how am I? Oh I’m fine, just came for a chat…I’m sick stupid why else would I be here? And of course you haven’t seen me, I can’t be bothered to fight all the misfits in the waiting room, surely it’s a good thing she hasn’t seen me anyway? I explain my throat and ear hurt she checks it, there’s nothing wrong with my ear so she tries to send me home. “No” I yell “there is something wrong this pain is not ‘nothing’” she looks complaitative and checks my throat, and of course it’s a little swollen. “Oh” she exclaims and then feels the outside of my neck “aha” she mumbles before listening to my breathing through a stethoscope. “You have a respiratory infection; your glands have swollen to protect yourself that’s where the pain is coming from. You have probably had it for a while, from over exerting yourself in this cold weather. But your glands are doing a good job so I’m not going to give you medication.” Thank god, it’s like £8 for prescription medicine now days. “Have you had a temperature?” she continued.

“I don’t know, I don’t own a thermometer” I said.

“You should get one and keep an eye on it. If you get a temperature come back and see me. Its good you came so you know and keep an eye on it” she said. No, what’s good is that a second ago I didn’t take your quick ear check and dismissal, that’s what’s good. “If your temperature stays for more than three days you should go to hospital” she said, as she sent me on my way, wheezing like a fat man thinking ‘hospital? Yeah right!’