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Femme Fatale, Femme Finesse

How to look after your skin

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Skincare 1

We start the new year with resolutions, undoubtedly broken half way through, but this year why don’t you start with a new skincare regime and stick to it. Around the winter our skin really does suffer, all that time out fighting the cold, wind and rain combined with the late nights and early mornings; not forgetting the piled on make-up and alcohol consumption leaves skin dry and dehydrated.

The skin is one of the largest organs of the body, it gives us clues to its own health and reflects the health of other body systems this is why it is important to keep it healthy. It varies in thickness on different parts of the body, for instance it is thinnest on the eyelids and lips and thickest on the soles of your feet and palms of your hands, it is imperative to take care of the skin on your face because it is light and sensitive. The skin can be divided in to two parts the epidermis and dermis.

The epidermis is the surface layer of the skin these are the outermost skin cells which are constantly lost through wear and tear. There is no blood supply to these layers and so all the cells are dead. The only living cells are those right at the bottom where nourishment is provided by a blood supply from the dermis. The cells in the bottom layer keep producing daughter cells which are pushed upward towards the surface where they die and are rubbed off. The epidermis consists of five layers which all do different things. They let the sun through giving us Vitimin D, produce Keratin a protein that protects the skin, and they contain the pigment Melanin which gives us our skin colour. The Dermis is under the Epidermis, this is called the true skin it contains blood vessels, nerves, hair follicles, sweat glands and oil glands. It is made up of elastic connective tissues and has the main job of holding the skin in shape, giving it the ability to resume its original position that’s why it will return to shape straight after you pinch it. 

Daily you should cleanse, tone and moisturise using specific products for your skin. All brands cater for different skin types and it will say what type it is on the bottle. Do not wash your face with soap or baby wipes these will push dirt in to your pores and clog them, causing spots. Start by getting some cotton pads with a dab of cleanser applied to them. Use this to cleanse your face, using warm water to open the pores and get all the dirt out. Next wipe your face with a plain cotton pad soaked in warm water. Now to tone, use cold water on the pad, add some toner and wipe your face, the cold water will close the pores ready for the last step, moisturising. This should be done every morning and night, never go to bed with your make-up on and always moisturise to protect your skin.

Weekly you should give yourself one or two facials. First cleanse your face by putting boiling water in a bowl, put your face over the steam and cover your head and bowl with a towel let the steam gently open up your porse. If you have oily skin put a few drops of Tea Tree oil in the water, for sensitive or dry skin try some rose oil and for combination skin try witch Hazel. Next step in our facial is exfoliation. If your skin is dry, exfoliate twice a week to rid the layer of dead cells. If you have oily skin exfoliate once a week but be gentle if you are too rough it could cause your sebaciouse glands to produce more oil to protect the skin. If you have combination skin exfoliate your whole face once a week and exfoliate just your dry patches on the second facial of the week. After your exfoliation you should apply a face mask. For oily skin you should use a tea tree clay mask apply it generously to the whole of your face and let it dry for 10 minuets before washing it off. Dry skin reacts better to a moisturising face mask that doesn’t dry try a Sink in Vitamin E mask. An Aloe Vera or chamomile and rose protective mask would be best for sensitive skin. For combination skin you should use the tea tree mask on the T-zone and a moisturising mask on the dry cheeks. Lastly to complete your facial moisturise using a cream specifically designed for your skin type and always apply in an upward motion.

Skin Type:

Characteristics:

Normal

Has an even healthy colour over the face and neck, Your skin has a smooth texture without blemishes. This skin is the easiest to look after, you can use products for normal skin.

Dry

Generally even colour although cheeks are prone to redness. The texture is usually a little rough and uneven. It has small pores and is not producing enough of its own oil to keep the cells moisturised. For this skin you should gently exfoliate twice a week and use heavy moisturisers.

Dehydrated

If your skin is rougher and pinker than normal you are dehydrated. People who are dehydrated think they have dry skin but that is not the case. It is not getting the moisture from inside so drink more water.

Oily

The surface of your skin is shiny from sebum or oil.The colour is dull and pores are larger making you prone to spots and black heads. You should use products specifically for oily skin that are not greasy.

Combination

Combination skin is a mixture of different skin types. Usually people with combination skin have an oily t-zone which is your forehead and nose and dry cheeks. You can buy products for combination skin but you should use different face masks on the different skin types.

Sensitive

Skin is red and sore, you may develop irregular patches of dryness and irritation, any skin type can be sensitive. Skin changes every several years so you may gain or lose sensitivities during your life. You should use products made specifically for sensitive skin that are not perfumed.  
Femme Finesse, Fitness, Uncategorized

Martial Arts and Kids

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Martial Arts is becoming one of the top sports to combat the rise of obesity and diabetes in children. In this day and age where computer games and TV have over taken the want and need to play outside it is important we keep our little monkeys fit and healthy.

At the Martial Arts place we understand that all children have different levels of fitness and abilities and believe that all deserve a good start. “TMAP pay close attention to how children excersize, their technique, punching, kicking, positioning and posture” Said Hazel Amper a childrens Physiotherapist. “A wide range of children benefit from Kickboxing at The Martial Arts Place. From the non active child to the very active child keen on sport already, this could be a new excersize to try out, its higher intensity than most excersize classes that they would normaly do so they get a lot fitter” she added. The Martial Arts place adapt their classes depending on the childs fitness levels so all little monkeys get the most out of every lesson “The way they run their classes is that there is a good warm up in the beginning so blood starts running around the body, muscles are warming up. Then there is the stretching, so the muscles are lengthened out ready for the next lot of excersize. Next comes the kickboxing focusing on kicking and punching working on their technique. Last they play a game, again this is using all the vital core muscles, cardiovascular and flexability are encompased throughout the class” Amper explained.

It is important to remember that Kickboxing teaches important skills that are transferable in everyday life in a fun environment. “There is 45 minuets to an hour of high intensity excersize without the impression that it is hard work” added Amper. Children learn Respect for others and themselves, disciplin and Concentration, as well as receiving self fulfilment and from attaining belts and reaching goals. Learning self defence in a discaplined supervised environment also teaches a child how to avert a situation and get out of conflict as efficiently as possible. Martial Arts builds a childs self esteem and confidence, they make friends and learn to communicate with other children as well as adults. All of these are integral to build a happy, healthy child and help toward accademic sucsess.

“So many conditions or issues that children have especially at that growing phase of their life can be benefited by doing kickboxing classes especially at the Martial Arts Place because of the way the classes are designed. I have referred quite a few children that I have seen at the Physiotherapy clinic to attend the classes because they have really weak core muscles. This can cause symptoms such as back pain, neck pain, and poor posture. They are tight in their muscles and stiff from sitting down all day so to come to somewhere like TMAP where they learn stretches, do a good warm up and can get fit and have fun is brilliant.”

Feel Good, fun and Fluffies, Femme Finesse

Hospitals

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I recently went to hospital for a twisted knee, it popped out during a grappling match in MMA. This happens a lot to me so I thought I should get it checked out. The emergency room were amazing, Quick and efficient it was the aftercare which left a lot to be desired. I was scanned and they found out that I do not have the muscles that stop my knee cap from folding the wrong way. I could have been born like this as my mother has the same problem.

To begin with the specialist came in with my Xray and said I could not possibly done what I said I had because I had a muscle that would not allow that kind of turn. I had to argue my point before he went to ask a supervisor. The supervisor came and looked at my Xray and told me, and the first doctor, that what I had said could have happened and if the original doctor had done his job properly and actually taken notice of my scan instead of reading off what he saw in a book maybe he would have spotted the fact that the ligaments were not present.

They then sent me to physio to strengthen the muscles for a few weeks  and sent me a date to go and see if I had improved or if I needed an operation. They sent me a date, then sent me another date then cancelled and sent me another date, when I called had no knowledge of me and then sent me a final letter saying I had not turned up and so they were not going to see me…so now I am stuck not knowing if my knees are getting better, if I need an operation or if I can return to fighting.

This is not my first experience with the NHS and its not the worst.

My Nan went in to hospital for an operation that ‘rid her of cancer’ a week after the op she died…of cancer. The funny thing is she kept saying “I’m dying” we were like, “no you’re not, your fine” because the doctor had said she was cured, he had got rid of all her cancer. She had bad pains so we took her back to the hospital, even then the doctor said “What are you doing here? There is nothing wrong with you.” But there was, and she knew that better than any doctor. A few days later she died and what did the autopsy find out? That she died of Cancer!

Another example is that of my neighbours mum who went in to hospital after a fall in which she hit her head. She was ‘checked’ over and they found she had a bad liver. A few days later my neighbour noticed a strange smell coming from her mother’s room she went to look at her head and found an oozing pussy bloody smelly mess. When she questioned the nurse, she was told “Oh I didn’t know she had a bad head.” The doctor said the same thing but that’s why she was originally there, for falling and hitting her head, despite this there was nothing about her head in her medical notes. But how could it have gone unnoticed when it was oozing blood and smelly puss?

My own experience with hospitals is very slim. I do not go to them, I have never stayed in one. But the one time I had to go they did not have the right equipment. My smear had shown abnormalities and pre-cancerous cells and I was called in for a biopsy, the first one went well although the results were abnormal so I was called back for a second one. The gynaecologist had a look with a camera, as did I, as there was a TV with a massive image of my vagina on it, which was seriously off putting. Not only are you going to feel me ripping you in two with the smallest clamp I can be bothered to find but you’re going to see it too. Then she shoves a camera and cotton bud up there and puts dye in that changes colour, to which she explains “Yes you need another biopsy, the cells are abnormal. But I don’t have the right equipment for that. So we will have to call you back.” That was two months ago, I’m still waiting to hear whether they have the ‘right equipment’ yet.

Here’s another example, my other Nan was admitted in to hospital New Years day because she fell over. They sent her back home and the next day she was readmitted with a broken leg. They took her in to operate and during the operation found out she hadn’t just broken one leg but both of them. So her operation went from one leg to two while in the operating theatre causing her to lose a lot of blood and ending up in the ICU unit. Luckily she pulled through. But that is just the beginning of my complaints about her stay. While in the ICU they said she wouldn’t eat we went in and found out that the reason for that was she hadn’t been given her false teeth. So we had to go to find her possessions which were in a plastic bag in the old ward. When she was then sent to another ward, after waiting all day to be moved, we made sure her things went with her.

In the new ward things didn’t get much better. First of all they complained that again she was not eating. We went to make sure she had her teeth in this time and we found they were simply putting the food in front of her. Which would be fine…If she could see. We were very surprised that no one had picked up on the fact that she is partially sighted. So we told them and after a few days they finally put up a sign at her bed. But guess what? It doesn’t end there. The other day we found blisters or bed sores on her heels that no one had noticed. Now this means she hasn’t been checked over, had her bed changed, been washed, asked if she feels any pain, and raises all sorts of questions. One most notably being that the physiotherapist’s advice, to get her out of bed and in to a chair daily, has not happened.

Hospitals and the NHS have been in the news for numerous mistakes just last week there was a story of a woman who went in for a bypass and died because they left a hole in her stomach. It’s not good enough. But of course their argument is ‘We are understaffed due to funding’. This overwork and underpaid attitude explains how things get missed and undiagnosed. Nurses are warn out and tired and everyone makes mistakes when tired. No wonder so many accidents happen and there are so many unexplained deaths.

Feel Good, fun and Fluffies, Femme Finesse

Doctors

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Going to the doctors is a complete farce now days, in fact, in my opinion, it’s completely pointless. That’s why, if I go to one, believe me, I am sick. I’m talking mind numbingly, wheezy breathing, fainting, high fevered in agonising pain sick. Even then I don’t know why I bothered.

Is it any wonder people don’t bother going to see a doctor when many of us don’t have the time. I usually leave for work at 7.30am and get home at 8ish pm. Since the surgery opens at 8 and closes at 5 I don’t get time to go unless I take the day off. So I awoke Tuesday morning in absolute agony down my ear and throat and thought, ‘damn it I have got an ear infection’. So I rang work and said I would be in late. I then had to wait till 8am to ring up on the extremely lucky chance they will have an emergency appointment. Luckily, on this occasion they did.

Usually you try and get an appointment and they are fully booked. So you try and book one for the day after but their fully booked. You ask ‘When is your next appointment then?’ and they um and arr and finally respond “Next week.” So now you have to book being sick a week in advance, you have to pre-empt your illness. “Right” let’s face it, you expected nothing less than disappointment when you started to make this phone call it comes as no surprise to you. “Well can I book for next week then?” haha, no, no you can’t! Because their ‘appointment books’ don’t go that far, but guarantied when you ring up on Monday their fully booked. How, how did you get booked? Where are all these sick people? Who is booking so many appointments?

Anyway, they give me an appointment in an hour’s time. I’m ready for work anyway, so just make my way there and arrive twenty minutes early in the vein hope that being there early may speed up the process. It didn’t.

I sat there, in the waiting room, surrounded by sick people, for an hour. An entire hour, sat there on mismatched stained seats flicking through old ripped up magazines from the nineties. But at least I’m not alone, right? No I’m surrounded by smelly, weird people. So these are the ones booking all the appointments. They all look contagious coughing, spluttering and sneezing, without even the common decency to cover their mouths spraying their dirty diseases everywhere. You see one or two of them stumble to the desk to complain but none of them have the capacity to speak.

Also, why is there no hand sanitizer? The NHS bangs on about not spreading diseases and yet there is no hand sanitizer in most of the doctors surgeries. Is this not one of the places sick people who have contagious diseases go? Did I get that wrong? Maybe I did, it does look like the inside of a community help centre!

I digress, I do apologise. I finally get called in to the Doctor who says she hasn’t seen me in a long time and how am I? Oh I’m fine, just came for a chat…I’m sick stupid why else would I be here? And of course you haven’t seen me, I can’t be bothered to fight all the misfits in the waiting room, surely it’s a good thing she hasn’t seen me anyway? I explain my throat and ear hurt she checks it, there’s nothing wrong with my ear so she tries to send me home. “No” I yell “there is something wrong this pain is not ‘nothing’” she looks complaitative and checks my throat, and of course it’s a little swollen. “Oh” she exclaims and then feels the outside of my neck “aha” she mumbles before listening to my breathing through a stethoscope. “You have a respiratory infection; your glands have swollen to protect yourself that’s where the pain is coming from. You have probably had it for a while, from over exerting yourself in this cold weather. But your glands are doing a good job so I’m not going to give you medication.” Thank god, it’s like £8 for prescription medicine now days. “Have you had a temperature?” she continued.

“I don’t know, I don’t own a thermometer” I said.

“You should get one and keep an eye on it. If you get a temperature come back and see me. Its good you came so you know and keep an eye on it” she said. No, what’s good is that a second ago I didn’t take your quick ear check and dismissal, that’s what’s good. “If your temperature stays for more than three days you should go to hospital” she said, as she sent me on my way, wheezing like a fat man thinking ‘hospital? Yeah right!’

 

 

Feel Good, fun and Fluffies, Femme Finesse

Kids now days

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There was this child screaming the other day in a supermarket. It was throwing itself along with items off the shelf around. The mother approached it intrepidly and said “Hunny stop that please” then she looked at the staring shoppers and said “She has ADHD”.

Now I’m not saying ADHD doesn’t exist, in some cases I’m sure the child has this medical disability, but I think now days if a kid is a brat it’s automatically got ADHD and given drugs. I mean when we were kids, as with my parents before me, ADHD was not heard of very much. There were very few docile kids on medication and yet most of us, if not all, were well behaved.

Could this change not be due to parenting? Schooling? Adults not having control? I mean heaven forbid we blame ourselves for bringing up children who don’t seem to have morals nor know the difference between right or wrong. I’m not saying children with ADHD have no morals I hasten to add. I mean, some kids are naturally energetic, I was one of those. Jumping about, never relaxed, always planning something, doing something or running around, aren’t most kids? That’s not the argument, they can be energetic and still well behaved. But many kids aren’t nowadays they think nothing of yelling at their parents, kicking and screaming at them. Perhaps this is due to health and safety gone mad.

Another thing I noticed is that lots of kids and teens are socially awkward. They can’t hold a decent conversation anymore. They don’t know how to act in social situations. Now some people have decided this is due to them being slightly on the autistic scale. Again I’m not saying some kids don’t have this problem but this surely can’t be the answer for every child can it? They have too much and are entitled now days.

Could the reason for this not be that most kids haven’t learned how to act with people because they spend most of their time on a iPad, mobile phone or on a computer? They simply haven’t learnt how to hold a face to face conversation without a screen in front of them. It’s not their fault. With all this new technology it’s easier to shove them in front of a telly to keep them quiet rather than spending time playing with them, building communication skills.

kids playing

This isn’t the only reason though. When we were children we would be out playing on the street. Hopscotch was one of the favourites, which again has been banned because the chalk could harm the pavement. Yeah, because it never rains in London and won’t be washed away at any point *Rolls eyes*. How about Conkers, remember that? Banned because it may break and go in to a child’s eye or bruise their fingers. Marbles? Glass may brake. Kids have no imagination now days, remember the days when you would be outside with nothing but a piece of chalk, a ball and maybe an old stick, you had to make up games. The worst we would do would play Knock down ginger or mess up the street with polystyrene pretending it was snow, not stabbing and mugging people. 

Femme Finesse, Fitness, Food, Uncategorized

Pre work out foods

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You should fuel your body before every work out. This will give your body more energy, prevent muscle catabolism and promote muscle anabolism. If your looking for good results, perform and train at your best you should fuel your body. Think of it as a car, you wouldn’t go on a long drive without putting petrol in. if you do not give your body the right nutrients before a workout you will not see results as quickly and the likelihood of injury and illness is increased.

You should have a little nibble at least an hour before your workout. Here are the top 10:

1. Banana: these are full of natural sugars to give you an energy boost before you exersize. It is also a simple carbohydrate fuelling your body throughout and is full of potassium.

2. Greek yogurt and dried fruit: the fruit is full of natural sugars giving you an energy boost and the yogurt acts as a protein promoting muscle gain.

3. Porridge: Contains complex carbohydrates to keep you energised and satisfy your hunger throughout your training session.

4. Fruit Smoothy: Full of sugars for a natural energy boost.

5. Apple and Peanut butter: The apple curbs your appetite and fill you up for longer, the sugar will give you an energising boost while the peanut butter acts as a protein.

6. Omelette: Great source of muscle building protein.

7. Protein bar: Speaks for itself.

8. Protein shake: Speaks for itself.

9. Egg and Avocado: Many people think avocados are full of bad fats but it has been scientifically proven that Avocados have a unique combination of nutrients to build lean muscle while the egg acts as protein.

10. Almonds: Contain more protein and fibre than most nuts and are naturally high in Vitamin E.

Femme Finesse, Fitness, Uncategorized

Martial Arts and Bullying

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Martial Arts can help prevent bullying by helping children on both sides of the equation. The Dojo provides a safe environment for all children and teaches discipline, respect, self control, leadership, stress relief, self defence and most importantly Confidence and self worth. Children from all walks of life from every background are taught to work together, respect each other, train and help support through grading creating bonds and friendships.

One of the most important ways to combat bullying is to install confidence in children. Bullies often project their own flaws on others. They crave attention and get it by acting out. By building their confidence these flaws often become less of an issue and the child pays more attention to what they can do. By honing in on their good points and giving approval for good behaviour they will learn there are better ways to get attention. Children who lack confidence also are usually victims of bullying as they are easy targets. Martial arts builds their self confidence and strength replacing their weak, unsure, afraid demeanour with an aura of self assurance so they are not seen as targets.

Body language, posture and Communication skills are extremely important to children. Martial Arts stances exude confidence, many phycological books advise taking a power stance for a quick boost in confidence. Martial Arts also promotes breathing techniques, calm breathing will equal a calm composure. This will help a child deal with whatever it may face with a calm, clear confident tone helping deflect any immediate threat.

Martial arts main lessons are Respect, Discipline and self control . This gives children a clear cut and consistent structure of discipline, teaching them which kind of behaviours are acceptable and which are not. Helping both bully’s and victims to adapt and manage their behaviour to not provoke or react. Bullies usually have a strong need to exert dominance over others and be in control. Martial arts teaches that everyone deserves respect and no one should be mistreated. It teaches victims that they must respect themselves first. Children are taught to be aware of their own thoughts, emotions and to control negative impulses. It also trains victims to control behaviours that may trigger a bully. 

Defence is more important than teaching how to fight, Martial arts teaches students how to defend themselves against attackers. Children get to act out different bullying scenarios and learn how to deal with it, if it ever were to happen. When practiced enough the student will recall and then instinctively respond if they find themselves in a difficult situation. Martial Arts does not promote the use of violence so instead the child will be able to defend both safely and efficiently giving them self assurance and confidence.

 

Many children suffer from stress and this goes unnoticed. Martial arts gives an outlet for children to let off steam and relieve stress in a save supportive environment. This makes it less likely that they will feel the need to take out their frustrations on other people. Alternatively children who are bullied suffer from high levels of stress they manifest sometimes physically, the exercise will create an outlet and boost the immune system.

By all children being involved in each class and treated as equals they learn to build bonds and make friends so they understand each other and don’t feel alone, frightened and vulnerable. They learn social skills and by grading, learning, leading and teaching each other they learn empathy and understand how others feel. This teaches that they are all the same and they are not alone.

Feel Good, fun and Fluffies, Femme Finesse

Apple Store

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I was pleasantly surprised by my recent visit to the Apple store, it has been years since I last stepped foot in one. I will say that the whole experience was, well, enjoyable. I got myself an Apple watch since my Fit bit broke, it must have been hit in the arena too many times, TIP it will still brake under wraps and boxing gloves. Anyway I was pleasantly surprised at how efficient the store was and how far it has come from my previous visit:

Seriously I hated the apple store, I hated it with a passion. Their ‘geniuses’ were like smiling little slimy gremlins sniffing about for commission like its their “precious”. By no means did I think these creatures were ‘geniuses’, I would go as far as to say they are the total opposite. It’s like when you call a retard special, they have dredged the most brainless bints out of the bottom a swamp.

I rang up because my beloved poddy, iPod to you, was having problems with his headphone jack and this twatty high pitched moron answered the phone.

“Apple store”, Yes I know, I called you, I’m not randomly bashing my phones buttons like an oaf till I get hold of the most annoying person ever. I waited for the “how can I help?”, signifying the start of the next part of the conversation where I tell her why I rang…it didn’t come, so I took a leap.

“Yeah hi, my iPods headphone jack has broken, I can only get sound out of the right earpiece.”

“Did you try another pair of headphones?” No, no that was not the first thing I thought of doing to remedy the situation. I actually thought I would try shoving blue tac in my eye and doing the rain dance while poking it with a crap stained stick.

“Yes”

“Is it still the same?” Are you kidding me? No it was all better so I rang you to inform you of my idiocy.

“Yes” at this point I couldn’t decide whether this woman was being snide or generally was a simpleton. So I added “I also went to the doctor and he said both my ear holes are fine too before you ask, so it’s definitely the headphone Jack.”

Silence, she obviously didn’t have a sense of humour either.

“Yeah so I need to book in and see” I held in my laughter, “a genius.”

“Er…ok…i’ll just check.” Check what? Whether I qualify to see one? The diary? That your brains haven’t fallen on the floor along with your telephone manors? “Yeah the only appointment is Thursday 4oclock”

“Fine ill take that one”

“Alright…….that’s booked in.” How? How did you book it in? You don’t have my name? Did you put me in as ‘some girl’ or ‘headphone lady that’s ears work’? At this point I felt this girl needed help.

“Don’t you want my name?” Moron.

“Oh Yeah”

So I have her my name and email address and hung up before she spread her brainless disease on to me.

On that day I intrepidly entered the apple store, it was like a zoo. There were people everywhere scrambling at laptops bolted to the tables in case one of the apes bashing the keyboards and dribbling ran off with one. It was like walking in to a zombie apocalypse. As I entered, making my way to the ‘genius’ bar, about five of them slithered up to me, easily identified, not only by their Justin Bieber haircuts, sickly smiles, hipster clothes and lens-less glasses but also their red t-shirts with ‘genius’ written on them in bold white text.

“Can I help you?” I doubt it, but I humoured them.

“Yeah I have an appointment”

“Oh yeah,” one said looking pleased like a stupid child that finally gets a question he can answer. “If you go over there to the Genius Bar” he pointed smugly to a table, to which, I hasten to add, I was going to anyway since it read in huge bold capitals ‘GENIUS BAR’.

“Yeah thanks” I exclaimed pitying the brainless fool. I wanted to add “Because I never would have guessed if you hadn’t told me, I would have got lost in this small square shop of wonders, I could have been walking around for hours suffering from malnutrition and dehydration and I didn’t even bring water with me.”

I get to the Genius Bar and a guy comes up to me and takes my name. Then he asks “What’s the problem?” I once again explain. Then he asks “Did you bring it with you?” I just looked at him dumb founded. No I left it at home I was hoping you could fix it telepathically.

I put it on the table and guess what he did, go on guess. That’s right he turned it off and then on again, put it on hold and off again, then did a reset while looking all happy with himself. Yeah because I haven’t tried that already, like the reset is some sort of secret, everyone knows that crap. At this point I wanted to face palm the desk. Then he said “Yeah it’s the headphone jack, the pins have moved” THAT’S WHAT I SAID ORIGINALLY, DID NO ONE LISTEN?

“You have two choices” he said. “Either you can upgrade or you can buy a piece to plug your phones in the bottom”

“Ok ill buy the thing to plug in”

“We don’t sell them here” JESUS CHRIST are you people trying to push me to commit murder?

At that point I picked up my iPod and left seething at the retarded gremlin ‘geniuses’ all looking smug and happy. Why are they so happy always smiling like someone surgically removed all mouth muscle movement? Always squeaking in high upbeat tones “Hi can I help you?”,”Have a nice day”, bugger off! They work in a shop surrounded by apes smashing keyboards, they can not be that happy. I bet they go home at night and cry with that surgical smile on their face. It made me sick, stop being so nice its not natural.

Anyway, Im glad Apple has changed my opinion on their shops and it is no longer like that!

Feel Good, fun and Fluffies, Femme Finesse

Babies

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All my mates are having them, you go on Facebook and there is always an update of a scan or picture of a school friends foetus or new born baby. It’s not that I’m not happy for them nor that I hate children just that I don’t want it shoved in my face on a daily bases. I emailed a woman at work once and then she goes and pops a sprig out and sends me and the whole of my 150 strong staffed department a picture of herself and the freshly made baby. I don’t care, I don’t want to see it and I feel its downright selfish of you to send it to people who aren’t interested and you don’t know. I could have just miscarried (in fact I did,) I could have found out I can’t have kids, I could be trying for a while and not yet there. How dare you rub everyones nose in your happiness when they didn’t ask you self involved pompous prick! 

pregnant women

People turn from friend to mum in an instant understandably, but if your out with friends we don’t want to hear how little Tommy has started potty training or smiling, or how his poo has gone from green to brown. The whole conversation revolves around the child and how it is progressing, for us, without children, I’m sorry to say, it’s boring.

Then there are those pregnant women who go around showing off their bellies and wanting you to touch their baby’s kicking. The fact something is moving inside you freaks some of us out especially when you see a lump protrude through the skin like an alien. Don’t show me that stuff, I’d like to have kids someday and that is putting me off.

Where I used to work women would come in to show off their new bundles of joy. Every day there was some wrinkly gremlin looking thing shoved in our faces, “Do you want to hold it?”, nope I’m ok thanks. One of them looked like a hairy Yoda “It’s ok you won’t hurt him” that’s not what I’m worried about, I’m worried ill catch rabies off it. Not just that, but they all still have cradle cap which is basically dry vagina juice, these clothes are clean and I don’t want your innards touching me thanks.

Parties turn from the old fun events, where getting drunk and messing about is the main priority, to everyone watching and cooing over the kids. The girls all exclaiming “oh he/she is so cute” at some kid, snot dripping from its nose, smelling of a poopy nappy getting burped. Conversation quickly turns in to a kid competition “Mine has just started walking at 6 months”, “Mine has started to read at 7 months”, “Mine has done his A levels at 12 months”, “Mine just got a nobel prize for creating a manbearpig using the DNA of several species and splicing it together using CRISPR technology he is only 13 months”.

At this point the kids look like they are having more fun and so I usually join them rolling about on the floor which is always a mistake because now your stuck playing with them. They follow you around and end up doing things like touching hot radiators or standing on steep stairs or shoving their fingers in electrical sockets. All the while mum and dad are busy jabbering on about how great they are, and so you are left to be responsible. You think of a game to play to keep it amused and stop it from killing itself, but that ends up with you bored and them wanting to play again and again and again.

The worst thing about kids though is the screaming. They do it everywhere, doctors surgeries, shops, busses, they just don’t care. It’s annoying and what really winds me up is when the parent either ignores it or tries to reason quietly with it. “Jamima mummy can’t get you that Barbie now she just hasn’t got the time, but further to our conversation earlier I will get it for you next time if your a good girl” NO don’t try and make a deal with it.”You keep crying and ill give you something to cry about” was my mums favourite, one time she left me in a supermarket because I whined about not getting a new pair of shoes, I sure did cry and when she came back to get me I apologised and I never did it again. 

I am probably over reacting to all of this as I am in the prime of my life, the best time to have kids, and I want them. I urge mothers and mothers to be to not start showing off in front of people who show no interest or that you don’t know!

Femme Finesse, Funny (Rants and Views), Uncategorized

You want me to go in there?

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When you need to go, you need to go. Usually I am not too fussy about where I urinate – oh come on we have all been desperate for a wee on a night out and had to use an alleyway. Festival toilets don’t even phase me, with their poo smeared walls and giant well of pee underneath. But I have to say when I stopped at a motorway toilet in France on the way to a wolf sanctuary I was devastated by the situation.

I opened the door to the stone house and chose a metal door to enter expecting to see the usual porcelain seat, when low and behold there was simply a ditch in the floor. So what they claimed to be a toilet was nothing more than a shack with a hole.

This created a problem, how to squat in a maxi dress while gripping on to my flip flops with my toes all the while trying to avoid urinating on myself. It was a feat let me tell you. I managed to hitch my dress over my head and balance vicariously over the hole, my flip flop only slipping once, which was enough for splash back.

But the horror did not end there. No toilet roll.

Luckily my mum was at hand with a packet of tissues I now regretted berating her for. To the rescue she came like a Knight in shining armour. Except these tissues were Albus oiled. So now I am stuck with a pissy foot and a burning foof.

Thanks France!